Funeral Day with Grandma

March 18. 2010

Woke up this morning and aim to take a nap briefly. Ewe. Got my first 'weird' mail today, and someone at the 'prayer meeting' part of the funeral actually was, it seemed to me, speaking the politics of Israel and the Palestinians... it was a cultural clash of deadly reality as some one screamed that we .."need to keep the hate in our hearts.." I'm still in shock. Do I live such a sheltered life? It seemed that I had stepped in to another realm, another country, another culture...but this one seemed to reinforce 'hate' as being of historical value. Whoa.

The deceased's name was not mentioned once that I could hear, and I just could not take it any more. My soul wanted to scream, "..but she accepted Christ, and she is in Heaven...". I paid my respects now, when she is dead. And I also, and more importantly, I would say, is that I did this: I paid my respects to her while she was alive.

Over the span of about 20 years, we ate many Thanksgiving dinners together, and visited for Christmas. The lovely spouse was always attending to this or that...clearly they were both in love. I am so glad we did what we did for this person during life. After death, it is too late. Yes. That is true. And I expect that another level of ugliness will surface with the will, the inheritances, the estate...the person's legacy, other than what is most important: the love and caring one shows to another.

Going to surgery in 3 days...the countdown has begun. That weird message? GoPetition.com for increased awareness of dysautonomia...signature #1581 is inappropriate. It is the first such note, and an investigation has begun.

If you do not have anything nice to say, please don't say anything at all. Our Petition is the real thing. To my audience, I apologize that this was written.

Please help us increase awareness for dysautonomia. Please see how many signatures you can get, so that I know how it is growing as I awaken from surgery, and take each day of recovery to its best place. The Team appreciates all.

We pray that this person becomes repentant and focusing on God. I never want any of us to stray...to stray away from that which is beholden to us. We are a Team, and if one of us falls, we leave no one behind. Perhaps someone can find a way to minister to this soul; for that too, we pray dear Lord. Amen.

Highest Regards,

Dr. Margaret

7 Days Before Surgery

March 12, 2010 I think....but I know it is Sunday.

Little one with fever, now Mom with sore throat.

Wake up and check on little one all night, keep fever down.

I'm so tired I can't type any longer, for fear that I will not make sense. Just need to catch up on sleep.

God is blessing this household with different 'Circles' that seem to be coming to a final close. It is conspicuous, as well as the following: every time we go somewhere, there is no line and we are the first to be served. Then WaLa! once our transaction is complete, we turn around. And stare at the ground. Because there are so many people waiting in line behind us, that we arrived at 'just the right time'. I don't know...

Did we arrive at the right time,

or

Was the time already laid out before us, with God knowing we would take this as a sign of great comfort...great comfort that we are a Team...and just like the Marines, just as we are sisters and brothers on this Earth (and in God's holy name)...one person can not be left alone. If one person on this Team has a problem, the rest of the people on this Team jump in. Just like when I was in medical school. No one is left behind.

I left Oral Robert's University School of Medicine abruptly, with only my 3-cyliner Chevy Sprint, an envelope with a Dean's Cover Letter of Reccomendation. And a gold seal, to ensure it was not opened. It was an ornate gold seal, astonishing in its presence. As if it was a letter from the Phantom of the Opera, or some General in the military. But I knew that God was behind it, as I first called UCLA and then USC to tell them what I just did: left my apartment full of furniture and drove back to Los Angeles so I could have family support. I left medical school with this piece of paper in my hand.....and was trusting that God would take care of me, no matter what the circumstances.

Living one day, one hour, one moment at a time.

Pure, unadulterated trust in God.

What would you do? How would you feel? Would you reach a place of peace, a place of blind trust, blind faith that stares you in the face? Decision time....this is a fork in the road, I know. What will I do with it?

I can tell you one thing ~ I know that I am not alone and that God will care for me.

This is the kind of confidence that I want you to have.

Well. This Ought to be Fun

March 10, 2010

So with impending surgery, let the plans begin. This is actually the first time that I will be taken to the hospital without going to the ER, without having an ambulance...except for my rotator cuff surgery one year ago. Now is about the time that you learn yet once more (yes, once more) who your friends really are.

Going to the hospital? Family emergeny? Well, I need to go out of town. Well, I have to go for a check-up (that could be done any day). Well, I'm canceling our breakfast plans. Well, call me if you need me. (How empty is that?) Well, let me know if you need anything (well, won't I be injured and recuperating? I don't think I 'll be interested in picking up the phone). Well, you can come over my house and see me before you go in for surgery, (huh?) Then there's the:

I'm leaving my house and locking my door and coming to stay with you and be with you day and night. I want to be up with you the whole first night you come home.....and take care of you. I can do such and such for you, so don't worry about this. I can also do that and that for you, so don't worry about that.

I always wonder who is going to say what. Who are the ones I can rely on..that have a history of helping..and/or who is different now...who has new love for me so that I can expect this time to be different? Who can I count on? Everyone is busy with their houses literally falling down, or busy trying to keep a job they can not afford to lose. But some people know the true meaning of life, and some just don't see that they don't see....and then there's Grandma.

Which will it be? Excuses, false lullabies, truth...and anything can change at any time, because....each day is different, and the days never follow our plans for the day. There is always the unexpected, the pivotal, the emergent....layers upon layers so that in the end....who will be there for me? Who will be left standing amongst all the 'troops'? Only time will tell.

Grandma is moving in. What a sign of comfort, caring, compassion, and an unhesitating willingness, to live for another person that you love.... to accept this responsibility when she already has many of her own responsibilities. She will do everything. She will be kind and loving to our daughter, and her role will be to exhibit the love of God for all to see. She will speak the truth and she will perform her promises as a gift, not a chore.

For this I am grateful. Already, 12 days before the surgery....I have seen people insert themselves in my life, or go on with their regular lives, or close a blind eye to all that abounds.

So, it has begun. Grandma went shopping with us for a new bed for her room, and it was quite a delight to just be out of the house together. Choosing colors, styles, textures, sizes.....as if we were the preverbial cavewomen seeking to "gather" before the storm. We actually ate lunch out of the house, and drove to the other side of town. For me, it was exhausting to even walk around the storeroom, but I sat and observed as my breathe became too puffy. Watching them open and close 6 different beds, contemplate the size with respect to the room, looking and feeling the texture of the different fabrics: leather or suede. Red or tan. Fancy or plain.

I watched this process although they thought I was just resting, and I inserted my two cents worth at every juncture where a question was asked. From afar, I used sign language as either a 'thumbs up' or a 'thumbs down' vote on the question at hand.

We ate, or else we (I) would have shopped until I dropped...food. Sustenance. I could feel the energy going into my bloodstream...perhaps that was the carbohydrate or the glucose. My hands were still shaking as I picked up my last piece of fresh cheese pizza...but I could put my head down and know..just know..that I would start feeling better.

I stumbled in the dark last night and bumped into a stool. My chin skin ripped just a little, and it did not scab or bleed. Wow. The blood thinner I was told to stop? It is already reversing the blood-thinning aspect....so I must not become a blood clot. I have to drink and drink, to keep up the 'low blood volume' that goes along with dysautonomia.

So today I am pleasantly pooped. Making arrangements to have love in the home....goodnight.

Grandma. We